Eight years ago today, I kissed my darling 16-month-old toddler goodbye, brushed the stray crumbs off my dry-cleaned suit, and headed out the door for a long (10 hour) workday.
That was on a Monday.
On Wednesday, my trusted babysitter abruptly quit, and by Friday, I was officially a stay-at-home mom.
And still, all this time later, during moments of epiphany (or minor stroke) I think, how the hell did I get here?
I don’t mean motherhood. I know how I got there. I mean actually here, playing Chutes and Ladders, baking bread, packing lunches, crushing a sneaker onto an unwilling foot while the dog bounces around, lapping at my face.
And I’m not suggesting that working mothers don’t do all the above. I’m saying that it startles me whenever I remember that it’s all I do, relatively speaking.
I could have had a career. I’m just saying. I could have moved to some large city, where I drop my kids off at a posh preschool each morning with time to duck into a Starbucks for a skinny soy gingerbread latte before arriving at a quiet office to stimulate my mind all day. Or I could have entered the MFA program I was accepted into, once upon a time.
I could have been a lot of things, but instead, I somehow became…nothing. Or…everything to three little people I‘d trade my life for.
Which is basically what I did.
And since I’m no martyr, this still has the ability to blow my mind.
When you end up someplace different than you’d imagined, it takes some time to adjust. Like, nearly a decade, in my case. Especially if you’re a Type A, goal-setting, success oriented person, because here’s what some SAHM advocates, message boards, and mommy blogs don’t want you to know: staying at home–and foregoing a career–takes a huge hit on your self esteem.
I won’t lie: not bringing home a substantial paycheck is really, really hard for me to swallow.
But slowly, ever so slowly, I‘m beginning to see the value in what I do around here. It’s starting to dawn on me that there’s more than one way to define ‘contribution’. Maybe the ability to separate self worth from a job title and income comes with maturity, or distancing oneself from mainstream thought. Maybe it comes from a new appreciation for simplicity as a lifestyle. Either way, I’m getting older, and I’m starting to get it.
Being there is important. My availability in and of itself is a valuable commodity, especially–interestingly enough–as my kids get older. (And for the moms who are able to work full time and remain available–and I know some of you personally–my hat is off to you. No, really. Stop showing the rest of us up.)
My being present reduces our stress levels, slows down our lifestyle, and gives my children a security (at least at home) that I think is lacking in most aspects of life in this place and time. Admittedly, home is not always where I want to be, but what full-time employed mother is always where they want to be, either?
And I like to think that despite the hefty burden of breadwinning that falls on my husband, my choice has lightened the load on his shoulders, too. That’s got to be worth something, right? (Maybe benefits? A 401K?) Because it’d be nice if I could go on strike until I get a decent health insurance plan.
In the meantime, these were the most pressing projects (to my superiors) today:
And this was my most important presentation:
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Your post moved me, Amy. And I thought about you and how you're a mother after our quick chat today. You left, saying that you had a to take care of Toby (I think it was him) and I thought, "wow, Amy's a mother."
You know, my parents NEVER hired a babysitter when I was a baby, or later when I was a child. And my mom was with me full time until I first stepped foot into a school, when I was four. And I've always been grateful for that. Twenty one years later, I can say that I know who my mother is, and how great she raised me and took care of me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself I'm a mother, too! ;)
It's good to hear that your mother being home with you had a lasting influence. My mother was too, and I remember it well!
I have been having major baby fever lately, and I ask myself how I could do both, work and be an available mom, as you put it. I kind of wonder if it isn't always that give and take. Sorry, off topic abit. :)
Yes, things are never black and white, and I do think that you can't be everything at once. A sacrifice has to be made on one end or another, you know? But there's a season for everything, right?
I think you're amazing, but you know that already, so I won't bore you with details. What you do for your boys day in and day out takes a very special person. So to me, it's no wonder that that's what YOU do.
And if you had not been there, Toby would have made his "presentation' to someone else….and you would have missed it. And while that wouldn't be the end of the world, it does matter, no matter how you rationalize it. It matters that you're there.
Amy – thanks for all your writing, but this post especially. I've been following your blog for a while now and enjoy laughing with you at your adventures of being an 'available' SAHM. On my worst days, I wonder what I'll be when my kids are grown and starting they're own life, and I'm no longer their SAHM. On my best days though, I take time to realize how lucky we are, me, my husband, and the three kids (7, 5 & 6 mos.) that I am AVAILABLE always and there for the day in and day out. It's great to be right there when your kid needs a little help negotiating the scene at the playground, but it's even better when you sit back and watch as they negotiate it for themselves, knowing that you're there if and when they need you!
Thank you Lindsay. You know I think you're amazing too…you're there at work AND there for your kids, and I know that's not easy.
You're right mom, I would have missed it; I haven't thought enough about how much *I* benefit being home, but I do!
Thank you, Julie, for reading and commenting! There are many seasons in life, and even though it seems like such a long time, staying home with our kids doesn't last forever. In the meantime, I vow to try to live in the present!
I clicked on to read your post before calling it a day and honestly, right before I opened the post I thought, "this is the last thing I'll do today so it had better be good." No pressure, right. Thankfully, your stories and perspective never disappoints. I can so relate to how much time it takes to readjust and settle into our role as a SAHM. Thanks for the inspiration and challenge to remember the immense value in my chosen profession. Oh–forget the health plan, I say hold out for a vacation plan first.
Ha! No pressure indeed! But I'm glad it measured up! And YES…I'll file for the vacation fund first. And the vacation days, because we all know we're never really off the clock!
oh Amy this is such a wonderful post!!!
I love everything about it.
my mom was a stay at home mom too, it was so great to have her picking me up after school, and just there.
your boys are very lucky :)